A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire Truck,"
the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Q. One day in 1878, during a leisurely lunch, a worker let a batch of liquefied soap spin too long in a mixing vat. He didn't mention it to anyone and hoped no one would notice. Big mistake? No. The customers liked the product better than ever. Why?

A. It floated. The extra mixing filled the soap with more air. Soon, Ivory made a slogan out of the mistake: "So pure it floats." How pure? That's part of the slogan, too: "99.44% pure."

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

This falls under the 'I am a dumb fuck. Let me write my epitaph' now' file
A man accused of deliberately ramming a stolen pickup truck into six Outlaws motorcycle club members, killing two, apologized from jail and said he wants to be executed.

"I did it," Timothy Pilgreen told The News Herald (search) of Panama City for Friday's editions. "I wish I hadn't, but I did. My lawyer told me to keep my mouth shut, but I gotta say it, I just got to: I'm sorry."

Pilgreen said he would ask for the death penalty because he fears retribution from the club after admitting he ran over the bikers Wednesday as they rode on a coastal highway in nearby Panama City Beach.

"Dudes in jail been telling me they're going to kill me, but I ain't scared," Pilgreen said. "They want to stab me, I'll stab back."

Pilgreen is being held without bond on two counts of murder, four counts of attempted murder and other felony charges stemming from a scuffle with an officer who chased and arrested him.

Deputy Police Chief David Humphreys said he has seen more bikers in town since the incident.

"It's our hope that they would allow this to be handled by law enforcement and the judicial system instead of it getting to a street-level thing," he said.

Pilgreen said his argument with the bikers began after he went to a public pier and tried to sell them a silver certificate, a no-longer-issued form of paper money. "They didn't like that I called them old, and one of these guys hauls off and punches me in the chest," he said.

He said the bikers then laughed at him, hopped on their motorcycles and rode off.

"I was just enraged," Pilgreen said. "Just so mad and drunk that when they took off, I started following them."

"It was madness," he said. "I just closed my eyes and pushed the gas and blam, blam, blam, just like that."

Police said the six bikers were from the Outlaws chapter in Bay City, Mich. Nola Zietler of Bay City, and Donald Dunham of Brethren, Mich., were killed.

Pilgreen said he had stolen the truck after arguing with his wife and trashing the house two weeks ago in Texarkana, Ark. He blamed his rage on a history of drugs, alcohol and childhood abuse.

"I realize I made a mistake," he said. "I know I did something I shouldn't have and I know I can't take it back. I just wish I could. I'm not a bad person, but I've been so lost and so hopeless for so long."

The Ultimate Warrior Announces His Return To Wrestling
GLEN COVE, NY, October 28, 2003 - Wrestling fans around the world will finally have their long-held dream answered, asUltimate Warrior, one of the most popular, beloved wrestlers in the history of professional wrestling, is returning to the ring. Acclaim Entertainment, Inc. (NASDAQ.SC: AKLM) today announced that it has signed an exclusive agreement with Ultimate Warrior to appear in Legends of Wrestling(tm): SHOWDOWN(tm), which is currently under development with Acclaim Studios Austin and scheduled for release in April 2004 across the next-generation gaming platforms.

Q. The year was 1827. The place, England. One day, after mixing chemicals in his laboratory, John Walker scraped a mixing stick on a stone floor to clean it. What happened?
A. It burst into flames. Serendipity! Nature gave us fire. John Walker gave us matches.

This one falls under the "no shit, Sherlock" category
UNSUPERVISED CHILDREN PRONE TO DELINQUENCY      
A new study indicates children ages 10 to 14 who are supervised after school are less likely to engage in anti-social behavior than those who are home alone. The Brown University study found supervised children were less likely to engage in risky or anti-social behaviors, such as skipping school, using alcohol or other drugs, stealing or hurting other people. Lead researcher Anna Aizer said the findings suggest preschool-age childcare programs should be expanded to include older children who might benefit considerably from greater adult supervision between the end of the school day and a parent's return from work. The study will appear in an upcoming issue of the Journal of Public Economics.