Humor Index

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached
the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about=
t?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no
African Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal
miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

HUMOR: 19 Things to do in a Bathroom Stall...

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a nigh place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you pass that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Hi cutie!"
19. Drop a DD-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for High School. You go to Grade School, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months just floating....and you finish off as an orgasm."

THE OLD TEXAN A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan."
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy.
Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing penis.
The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well, says the Texan: "My eyes aren't what they used to be."