HUMOR 
Page 10

Texas Wisdom

1.Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

@ LOL

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ........= Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ..................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ...................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ..................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .......................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT .....= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR .............= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ....................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ............................= Can't get a job anywhere else

The Coast Guard recently stopped a boat off the California coast that
was loaded with marijuana.  There was so much of the stuff that they were
in a quandary as to how to dispose of it.  Finally they located a company on
the nearby shore that had a huge kiln with a tall chimney rising high into
the sky and they made a deal with the owners to burn hemp.  For a time all went
well, but suddenly a flock of birds flew right through the smoke pouring out
of the top of the stack.  As it turned out, these were terns that were native
to the area and were endangered.  So naturally, the environmentalists had to
follow them to see what happened.  And of course, they discovered that NO
TERN WAS LEFT UNSTONED.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.   
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer.  You're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  

After a while, they've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What?  You've got an engineer?    That's a mistake.  He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.    All we have are architects. Everything looks pretty, but nothing works."

Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right

And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him,
"I have some very bad news for you.
I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
The doctor tells the patient.
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.'
"Mud baths?  Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not ... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

Boudreaux and Rodrigue are out in the swamp when Rodrigue falls to the
ground. He don't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Boudreaux, he whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He told the operator,
"Hello. Hello! This is Boudreaux and Rodrigue is dead! He jus passout. What
can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a long silence, then a shot is heard.
Boudreaux's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter
made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man jumped up as
well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up yelling, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

The third batter got up got ball 1... ball 2 ... ball 3 ... ball 4. The
umpire yelled, "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up and yelled, "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

Another fan looked at him and said, 
"He does not need to run, for he has four balls!"

The Irish man's jaw dropped, and he turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad!
Walk with pride!"

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't
noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

IT'S HELL TO GET OLD 

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all ! my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Arizona driver's license!
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A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"
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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" The rabbi exclaimed, "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."