Humor Page 3
LAWYER JOKE
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat,
the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney sits in
the seat by the aisle.
The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes and starts to settle
in when the physician in the window seat says, " I think I'll get up and
get
a
coke." "No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle.
I'll get it for
you."
While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and
spits in it.
When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the
other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The lawyer
comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.
As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his
shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This
fighting
between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting
in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
The Cemetery
Walking home after a Halloween party, two young men decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery for a thrill. They both stopped abruptly when they heard a
mysterious tap-tap-tapping noise in the shadows. Their eyes grew large until the
mist cleared and they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping at one
of the headstones.
"Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed. "You scared us half to
death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?"
The old man replied angrily, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"
The
Mural
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the
office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed
a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most
celebrated pop artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had
gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an
entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.
The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.
While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: "Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"
"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a gynecologist!"
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NEW WORDS FOR 2001
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: How
to beat a speeding ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th
DUI."
Officer: "May I see the registration for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
registration card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the
tense situation.
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is. It was valid."
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the registration." The driver
owned the
car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun
in it?"
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there
was nothing
in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened, no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet he lied about me speeding too!"
Malapropisms
(For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one
word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)
Here are a few:
- He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
- He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs. {bring along the camera, Fido!}
- Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
- In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar. {"Another
beer,
please Muhammad!"}
- To each his zone.
- My sister has extra-century perception. {A little deodorant can cure that}
- Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- A fool and his money are some party. {And that address would be??}
- No more negotiating -- it's a dumb deal.
- All's fear in love and war. {Trust me, you fall in love, you better be
scared ;}
- It's a long road to hold.
- It was a case of love at Versailles. {Ver-Sales being a town outside of
Lexington, KY, so I guess this is a case of a long distance relationship ...}
- All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.
- Nip it in the butt. {A plastic surgeon's motto}