Humor Page 4
Truisms
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood
alcohol content.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you
anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas!
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had
ten disciples!
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven
different languages.
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding.That was kind of
fun, until we ran out of quarters.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to
annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you
have
to pay someone to look at you naked.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the
highway?
Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There
I
was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a
swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does
Dialysis."
I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
probably
eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport !
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that
up, you don't know where it's been."
@ LOL
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on...
I LOVE MY JOB
By Dr Seuss
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Crazy things happen to me. One time while I was having an out-of-the-body
experience, my body went to Vegas ... with all my credit cards. I had some
kind of fling with a $500 a night hooker. But do you think I could explain
that to my
wife? ... NO! ... Women see what they want to see."
-- Jim Carrey
Texans Guide To Life
1. Don't squat with your
spurs on.
2.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back
in.
4. If you're riddin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
again to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
6.After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you'r full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back
in your pocket.
9. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
10. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading.
The few
who learn by observation. The rest of them have to wee-wee on the electric
fence for themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and
Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each
other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to
their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars
that I
can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky
stars that
I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup YOU!"
Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. But the
insults went on every morning. Every day. Another five years.
Finally, Mr. Rufus' wife had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one
day, "I
can't take no more! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup
Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge! Have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm
gonna whup
Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the
bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge,
then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door,
bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup
Clarence!"
"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway
over the
bridge and saw a sign that said 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.' He ain't
never looked that big from the other side of the river