Humor Page 5

Three women are having lunch. They are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first one states that she cannot believe her daughter smoked, that while
cleaning her daughter's room she found a pack of cigarettes.

The second woman stated that she knew the feeling. While she was cleaning
her daughter's room she found a bottle of booze and she could not believe her
daughter drank.

The Blonde said she could sympathizes with them both, that while she was
cleaning here daughter's room she found a pack of condoms. She stated that
she could not believe her daughter had a penis.

In San Francisco, officials approved a proposal that makes their city the
first to finance sex changes for municipal employees. The proposal allows
city workers to claim up to $50,000 of the cost of a sex change, including
psychotherapy, hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery...

... Now you can leave a different organ than your heart in San Francisco...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked
at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....
I know we've been friends for a long time...but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?"

OH MY GOD...

An old man on the beach walks up to a beautiful girl
in a bikini, "I want to feel
your breasts" he exclaims.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replies.

"I want to feel your breasts, I'll give you twenty
dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I'll give you ONE
HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offers..

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her
senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your
breasts," he says.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless
enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing
there on the beach, he slides his hands
underneath and begins to feel... then he starts
moaning, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while
he's caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asks, "Why do you keep saying,
'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he cries, "OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred
dollars?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only
the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a
brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the
brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest
breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the
second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally
came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think
those two other girls were using their arms."

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after
a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him
order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it
with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before Joe's curiosity
got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said,
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual.
Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket
every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there,
and when she starts lookin' good, I go home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3!

You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are________ (fill in).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________(fill in).
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________(fill in)

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. {Soooooooo???}
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. {Trust
me ... a bug zapper and one of those robotic pool cleaners, along with a 6
pack, make for a perfect Friday evening ...}
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it. {Either that, or every time you cut
the grass you find those two pick 'em ups that you can't remember where you parked 'em.}
The Salvation Army declines your mattress. {Won't the new girlfriend be
impressed with that one!}

A lady went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...," replied the lady. @ LOL

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That
person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS WOMEN DON'T KNOW
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger".
~~~~~~~
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?

They called it the herd shot round the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became known as the Hollywood Boll. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.
~~~~~~
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
~~~~~~~~~~
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job.

He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help.

He walked over to the homeless person and
gave him directions to the welfare office.

He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.