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The Pirate
In a bar one day, a pirate was talking to the bartender. The bartender asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"
The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a big shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."
"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the bartender asked, pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to be.
The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were engaged in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off by a slimy coward's sword."
The bartender looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I have to ask how you got the eye patch."
The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in the harbor one day and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled by this last explanation. "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with me hook."



NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

@ LOL

The Official and sorta-Ultimate Guy Dictionary:

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."  {Either that, or it involves the
intricacies and minutia of German motorcycles or Czechoslovakian trucks and,
since she's never expressed a lot of interest before, you don't think she's
gonna be interested this time around ...}

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."  
{Sooooooo???}

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse." {Also translated: "I don't wanna get my property subdivided again ...
"}

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."  
{And woman ... you've already got more shoes than Imelda ... }

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."  {Thank God for cheap GPS
units!}


Y'all have a good weekend!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your
daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her*
daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't
you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am.  It's just that the last time
this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.  I was
hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter
pregnant!"
                     

A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered
the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him
by saying, "T-G-I-F".

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering,"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T -- Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat
was very small.  The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was
impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Captain Bravado
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

The Affair
A married man and his secretary were having a passionate affair. One afternoon they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making love. Then they fell asleep, not waking until 8:00 pm. Alarmed, they quickly dressed, and the man told the secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. She was bewildered, but did as he asked.
Finally getting home, the man's wife met him at the door. She asked him tearfully where he had been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"


A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and
Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said
that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot
Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that
the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot
Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was
shot and which was not.

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really
pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some
cows down on the Johnson Farm."
 
The other cow replied, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Why don't they allow a man to marry 2 women in the U. S.?
No man deserves that kind of punishment!

Why is marriage is like a violin?
After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

It's legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.


Jill, the teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying.

The teen-aged beauty informed her friend that her mom was always fatigued from staying up all night long.

Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!"

Jill replied, "Waiting for me to come home."

Q: What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 58???

A1: 08 - You put her to bed and tell her a story
A2: 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
A3: 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed
A4: 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
A5: 58 - You tell her a very long story to avoid going to bed

The Bear
Two campers are awakened by the sounds of an obviously large bear outside their tent, looking for food at their campsite. Immediately, Chris pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack and quickly puts them on. Incredulous, his friend Michael says, "There's no way you can outrun that bear."

Chris replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you

Ice Fishing

(No offense to blondes..like..this could be anybody!!)

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord? The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Strippers are taking it off in the Kentucky community of Sparta to help buy a
new fire engine and a bulletproof vest for its lone police dog. The
striptease dancers at Racers Nightclub in Sparta have raised roughly $300 in
donations on consecutive weekends to be put toward the cost of a $180,000
fire truck and a dog vest...

{Makes sense - they're the only two professions where you make your living by
sliding down a metal pole... }

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. 
One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. 
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him.
He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.
The medical director came to know of David's heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged
from the mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.
The doctor says, "We have good news and bad news for you, David!
The good news is that we are going to discharge you
because you have regained your senses.
Since you were able to jump in and save another
patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is
that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung
himself in the bathroom and died."

David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself,
I hung him there to dry."