HUMOR PAGE 8
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The
Mule And The Mother-In-Law Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends." "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule." |
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years ago, a sultan was becoming angry as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Congress. |
A
man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another
man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is seated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb! |
| The
God Speaks Highway Billboards Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God C'mon over and bring the kids.-God What part of "Thou Shalt Not." didn't you understand?-God We need to talk.-God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.-God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.-God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing. I meant it.-God I love you and you and you and you and.-God Will the road you're on get you to my place?-God Follow me.-God Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.-God My way is the highway.-God Need directions?-God You think it's hot here?-God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.-God Do you have any idea where you're going?-God And my personal favorite.) Don't make me come down there.-God @ LOL
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Dog
Letter To God Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad? |
| Dear
God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize? Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem. |
Dear
God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? |